Christmas Trees, Ranked
1. Sustainably farmed regional tree purchased from non-profit organization's neighborhood lot employing ex-convicts and ex-addicts, with tree then placed in a street-facing window to contribute seasonal cheer and finally turned over for wood-chipping and distribution at playgrounds and community gardens.
2. Ugly fake tree that you keep for 40 years and annually re-use out of thriftiness and spite.
3. None, because you are not part of the Northern European aboriginal culture that traditionally placed an evergreen tree indoors before Winter Solstice.
4. Small but festive potted tree because your apartment is small and/or you are not spending Christmas at home and don't want a cut tree to "feel lonely" on its big day.
5. Aggressively ugly fake tree purchased by roommate ashamed of being seen as sentimental about the holidays.
6. Biggest/most expensive tree on the lot, and no tip for the workers.
7. Any sized tree "flocked" with toxic white crust.
8. No tree, but your cat is wearing a holiday-themed collar.
9. No tree, because you don't have young children and feel that all festivity dies forever at puberty, as it did in your own heart.
10. No tree and no Christmas decorations inside, just a wreath outside, on the front door, because you lack the courage of your anti-holiday convictions.
11. Ancient redwood illegally chopped down and dragged down the interstate behind your pickup truck.
12. "Tree" made from the bones of your many Christmas Eve victims over the many years you've somehow evaded justice.
13. Utterly random Christmas tree chosen and delivered by a desperate day laborer running errands for a Silicon Valley startup that uses poor people in their own cars to undermine working-class taxi drivers.
