I only have three teeth: a sweet tooth, a carb tooth, and a fat tooth. I put them to good use by eating pastries at any event where they may be available. Mother's Day brunch? Pastries. Football tailgate? Pastries. Living under a bridge? Pastries.

55. Elvis

This list ranks in descending order, from worst to best, the bread products used to make breakfast sandwiches, meaning egg and cheese sandwiches. There is no appeals process.

1. Gravy

Thanksgiving is coming, blah blah blah. Let's cut the bullshit: it's pie week. Better choose wisely.